ASTRONAUT

ASTRONAUT:

What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The space bar. Where would an astronaut park his space ship? A parking meteor! What was the first animal in space? The cow that jumped over the moon. What did the alien say to the cat? Take me to your litter. Why did the astronaut retire? He got spaced out! What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar! How do you know when Lisa Nowak is pissed? Just see if she's wearing diapers! What do you call a tick on the moon? A luna-tick Why are there no female astronauts on the moon? Because it doesn't need cleaning yet. What do you call a donkey throwing nuts to the moon? An ass throw nut (astronaut). How do you know when the moon has enough to eat? When it’s full. How do astronauts eat their ice creams? In floats! Why don't people like the restaurant on the moon? Because there was no atmosphere. How did Lisa Nowak feel after driving 900 miles in a diaper? Like one of Britney Spears kids! Why did the cow go in the spaceship? It wanted to go to the mooooooon! Why did the baby go to outer space? To visit the milky way. What does an astronaut use to keep his feet warm? A space heater. Why did the cow jump over the moon? Because the farmer had cold hands! How do you know when the moon is going broke? When it's down to its last quarter. How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry? He Apollo-gises. If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? Hi, im an Astronaut and my next mission is to go to URANUS 

ARMY BRATS

ARMY BRATS :

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could." 

MICHEL AND JOHN

 MICHEL AND JOHN :

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said. Michel looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with John. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children." Michel, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God then looked upon Michel, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time." 

20 BLIND MEN

20 BLIND MEN :

Two fraud men go up to 20 blind men and say "Do you want to go on holiday?" The blind men reply "yeah of course" So the blind men give the fraud men £2000 each. The fraud men drive them up to blackpool and put them on the beach, and then go to the pub, Whilst there they think that the blind men are going to get bored. So they buy them a ball and give it to them. The blind men go "Whats this?" "Its a ball," replies one of the fraud men "Well we cant see it!" The fraud men think shit what we gonna do, they spot a donkey with bells round its neck so they go and buy sum bells and wrap them round the ball, and then go back the pub. Just then an old woman walks in and says "I tell you what the world today its demented" "Why?" ask the fraud men. "Because theres 20 blind men kicking shit through a donkey on the beach!"