Liewe Gert...

Liewe Gert...

Liewe Gert

Ek skryf aan jou hierdie brief om te sê ek gaan jou verlaat. Ek was 'n goeie vrou vir jou vir sewe jaar en ek het niks om daarvoor te wys nie. Die laaste twee weke was louter hel. Jou baas het my geskakel om te sê dat jy vanoggend bedank het en dit is nou die laaste strooi.
Laas week het jy nie eers opgelet toe ek my hare en naels laat doen het nie. Ek het jou gunsteling dis voorberei en 'n nuwe sexy nagrok gekoop. Jy het huistoe gekom, jou kos in twee minute verorber en is reguit bed toe nadat jy sport op TV gekyk het.
Jy vertel my nooit meer dat jy my liefhet nie. Jy gee my nie meer soentjies of drukkies nie. Jy is verlief op iemand anders of jy het my net nie meer lief nie. In ieder geval, ek verlaat jou.
NS. As jy my probeer soek - los dit maar. Ek en jou broer Sarel het saam 'n plekkie gekry aan die Natal se suidkus. Geniet jou lewe!
Jou ex vrou
Sannie
*******
Liefste Sannie my ex vrou
Niks kon my dag so maak as toe ek jou brief ontvang het nie. Dit is waar dat ons al sewe jaar getroud is. Dat jy 'n "goeie vrou" was, is ver van die waarheid. Ek hou daarvan om sport op TV te kyk om van jou permanente gesanik weg te kom - net jammer dit werk nie altyd nie.
Ek het laasweek opgelet dat jy al jou hare laat afsny het. Die eerste ding wat by my opgekom het, is dat jy nou soos 'n man lyk. Ek het niks gesê nie omdat my ma my grootgemaak het om stil te bly indien jy nie iets goed kan sê nie.
Toe jy my gunsteling dis voorberei het, moes jy my verwar het met my broer aangesien ek al vir jare nie meer vark eet nie. Ek het gaan slaap terwyl jy die sexy nagrok aangehad het omdat die prys etiket nog aan die nagrok gesit het. Dit het in my gedagtes gespook dat dit tog asseblief toeval moet wees dat my broer daardie oggend R200 by my geleen het en die nagrok se prys is R199. Ten spyte van dit alles is ek nog steeds lief vir jou en het ek gehoop dat ons nog dinge kon uitwerk.
Daarom het ek vanoggend, nadat ek uitgevind het dat ek die Lotto van R20 miljoen gewen het, my werk bedank en vir ons twee plek bespreek by 'n eksotiese eiland vakansie oord in die Ooste. Met my aankoms by die huis was jy al weg. Ek neem aan alles gebeur om 'n rede. Ek hoop jy kry die vol lewe waarna jy so "smag". My prokureur verseker my dat jy nie 'n sent gaan kry nie aangesien jy weg is voordat jy van die Lotto geweet het.
NS. Ek het jou nooit vertel nie, maar my broer Sarel was by geboorte Sandra. Hoop nie dit is vir jou 'n probleem nie.
Liefde
Jou ex man
Gert

THE MISTRESS

THE MISTRESS

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porsche or X-Type Jag in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Golden oldies

Golden oldies

Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" 
The pharmacist answers "Yes". 

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" 
Pharmacist: "All kinds." 

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" 
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
  
Jacob:" Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundices?" 
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!" 

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?" 
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
  
Jacob:" You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
  
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?" 
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop."

The Female Demerit System

The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Ma ke the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3) 
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Etiket vir Brakpanners

Etiket vir Brakpanners

(soos voorgeskryf deur Emsie Schoeman, en hersien deur Andre P. Brink) 

ALGEMEEN 

1. Moet nooit bier saamvat na 'n job interview nie. 
2. Probeer eers uitvind wie die mense in jou jaard is voor jy begin skiet. 
3. Die dominee smaak dit nie as jy 'n cooler box saamvat kerk toe nie. 
4. As jy die bed moet stofsuig is dit tyd om ander lakens op te sit. 
5. Selfs al is jy seker jy is ingesluit in die testament, moenie jou Venter saamsleep na 'n begrafnis toe nie. 

UITEET 

1. As jy wyn skink, tilt die paper cup sodat jy nie die "vrug" van die wyn bederf nie. 
2. As jy uit die bottel uit drink, hou hom so vas sodat jou vingers die label toehou. 

ONTHAAL IN JOU HUIS 

1. Moenie jou geliefde opgestopte hamster/kat/hond/aap op die koffietafel sit nie. 
2. Moenie dat jou hond van die tafel eet nie (al is sy maniere beter as jou gaste s'n). 

PERSOONLIKE GESONDHEID 

1. Terwyl ore gereeld moet skoongemaak word, is dit 'n job wat verkieslik met jou eie bakkiesleutels gedoen moet word. 
2. Grond en olie onder jou vinger naels is 'n social nee, want dit gee daai finger snacks 'n snaakse smaak en cherries laaik dit nie so kwaai nie. 

VERHOUDINGS (buite die familie) 

1. Bied altyd aan om die aas aan jou goose se hoek te sit, veral met die eerste date. 
2. Wees aggressief. Laat weet haar jy wag al twee jaar om met haar uit te gaan nadat jy daai goed gelees het teen die toilet muur daar by Shoprite. 
3. Maak seker jy vind uit by haar ma-hulle wanneer sy by die huis moet wees. Party sal sê 10-uur, ander "Maandag". As die antwoord Maandag is,is dit Jou job om te sorg dat sy betyds by die skool is. 

FLIEK 

1. Moenie met die mense op die screen probeer praat nie. Jarelange wetenskaplike navorsing het bewys dat hulle jou nie kan hoor nie. 

TROUES 

1. Kleinvee is nie so 'n hot trougeskenk nie. 
2. As jy die bruid langer as 5 sekondes soen, kan jy miskien geskiet word. 
3. Vir die bruidegom: Huur 'n tux; 'n corduroy broek en T-shirt met 'n Cummerbund werk nie so lekker nie. 
4. Al is dit moelik, se maar ja vir sokkies en skoene (al is dit dan net vir die kerk). 

BESTUUR 

1. Dim jou ligte as 'n kar van voor af kom, al is jou gun gelaai. 
2. As jy by 'n 4-way stop kom, ry die ou met die grootste wiele eerste. 
3. Moet nooit 'n ander blaar se kar tou met pantyhose en duct tape nie.. 
4. As jy jou vrou/goose met 'n kannetjie stuur om te gaan petrol haal, is dit swak maniere om haar te vra om bier ook saam terug te bring. 
5. Moenie spin as jy in 'n begrafnisstoet ry nie.

Definitions in Construction ...

Definitions in Construction ...

TENDER SUBMISSION:

A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

TENDER SUM:

A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

SUCCESSFUL TENDERER:

A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

ARCHITECT:

A man who knows very little about a great deal, and keeps knowing less and

less about more and more until he knows practically nothing about

everything.

CONSULTING ENGINEER:

A man who knows a great deal about very little, and goes on knowing more

and more about less and less until he knows practically everything about

nothing.

BUYERS:

The cow in the office that cheats you out of monies with a smile on her face.

QUANTITY SURVEYORS:

People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.

LAWYERS:

People who go in after the Quantity Surveyors and strip the bodies.

COST PLAN ESTIMATE:

The cost of construction in heaven.

MANAGEMENT CONTRACT:

The technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

COMPLETION DATE:

The point at which liquidated damages begin.

LIQUIDATED DAMAGES:

A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

SUB-CONTRACTOR:

A gambler, who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

CONTRACTOR:

A man who starts out knowing practically everything, but ends up knowing

nothing due to his association with Architects and Consulting Engineers.

ENGINEER:

They save lives - fortunately they weren't smart enough to go on and become

Doctors.

Aphorisms

Aphorisms

AN APHORISM IS A SHORT POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.


 1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

 2. Money will buy you a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

 3. If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.

 4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

 5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

 6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

 7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

 8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

 9.. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

 10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

 11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

 12. There are worse things than getting a call for the wrong number at 4 am - it could be the right number.

 13. No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

 14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

 15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

 16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

 17. Do you realize that in about 40 years time, we'll have thousands of old ladies with perky breasts running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies ! )

 18. Money can't buy you happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Golf .

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead!

 20. Always be yourself, because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones that mind, don't matter.

Actual writings in a Mpumalanga Hospital Register

Actual writings in a Mpumalanga Hospital Register

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night..

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day  it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Laws Newton Forgot

Laws Newton Forgot

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

A man and his ostrich

A man and his ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. 
The waitress asks them for their orders. 
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" 
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.  "That will be $9.40 please."  The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. 
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.." 
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.." 

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual? asks the waitress. 
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. 

"Same," says the ostrich. 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.  "Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.   My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." 

"That's  brilliant!" says the waitress.  "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" 

"That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man..

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" 

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say......."

Taxi

Taxi

A stark naked, drunken Australian woman, jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

“What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?”

“I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?

1981 and 2005

1981 and 2005

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years 

Interesting Year 1981 
1. Prince Charles got married 
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 
3. Australia lost the Ashes. 
4. The Pope died 

Interesting Year 2005 
1. Prince Charles got married 
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 
3. Australia lost the Ashes. 
4. The Pope died 

Lesson to be learned: The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

Sipho again

Sipho again

Sipho's sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies" Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no! Not Sipho; He's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor "Well what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks." Wow that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like that name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy's name?" The doctor replies.

"Denephew.

The Female Demerit System

The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Ma ke the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3) 
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

SICK LEAVE

SICK LEAVE

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would

Not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY'

Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you are doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'

(You're gonna love this.....)

He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

GATIEP

GATIEP

Gatiep sit gesuip langs Maraai se graf en tjank.

Lekker dronk verdrietig:

"Meraai as jy net terugkom hou ek op drink!"

n' Mol is besig om 'n hopie op te stoot.

Gatiep spring die hopie plat:

"Jislaaik Meraai, kan jy nie 'n grap vattie!?"

tribute to the Pakistan Army and their martyrs