Liewe Gert...

Liewe Gert...

Liewe Gert

Ek skryf aan jou hierdie brief om te sê ek gaan jou verlaat. Ek was 'n goeie vrou vir jou vir sewe jaar en ek het niks om daarvoor te wys nie. Die laaste twee weke was louter hel. Jou baas het my geskakel om te sê dat jy vanoggend bedank het en dit is nou die laaste strooi.
Laas week het jy nie eers opgelet toe ek my hare en naels laat doen het nie. Ek het jou gunsteling dis voorberei en 'n nuwe sexy nagrok gekoop. Jy het huistoe gekom, jou kos in twee minute verorber en is reguit bed toe nadat jy sport op TV gekyk het.
Jy vertel my nooit meer dat jy my liefhet nie. Jy gee my nie meer soentjies of drukkies nie. Jy is verlief op iemand anders of jy het my net nie meer lief nie. In ieder geval, ek verlaat jou.
NS. As jy my probeer soek - los dit maar. Ek en jou broer Sarel het saam 'n plekkie gekry aan die Natal se suidkus. Geniet jou lewe!
Jou ex vrou
Sannie
*******
Liefste Sannie my ex vrou
Niks kon my dag so maak as toe ek jou brief ontvang het nie. Dit is waar dat ons al sewe jaar getroud is. Dat jy 'n "goeie vrou" was, is ver van die waarheid. Ek hou daarvan om sport op TV te kyk om van jou permanente gesanik weg te kom - net jammer dit werk nie altyd nie.
Ek het laasweek opgelet dat jy al jou hare laat afsny het. Die eerste ding wat by my opgekom het, is dat jy nou soos 'n man lyk. Ek het niks gesê nie omdat my ma my grootgemaak het om stil te bly indien jy nie iets goed kan sê nie.
Toe jy my gunsteling dis voorberei het, moes jy my verwar het met my broer aangesien ek al vir jare nie meer vark eet nie. Ek het gaan slaap terwyl jy die sexy nagrok aangehad het omdat die prys etiket nog aan die nagrok gesit het. Dit het in my gedagtes gespook dat dit tog asseblief toeval moet wees dat my broer daardie oggend R200 by my geleen het en die nagrok se prys is R199. Ten spyte van dit alles is ek nog steeds lief vir jou en het ek gehoop dat ons nog dinge kon uitwerk.
Daarom het ek vanoggend, nadat ek uitgevind het dat ek die Lotto van R20 miljoen gewen het, my werk bedank en vir ons twee plek bespreek by 'n eksotiese eiland vakansie oord in die Ooste. Met my aankoms by die huis was jy al weg. Ek neem aan alles gebeur om 'n rede. Ek hoop jy kry die vol lewe waarna jy so "smag". My prokureur verseker my dat jy nie 'n sent gaan kry nie aangesien jy weg is voordat jy van die Lotto geweet het.
NS. Ek het jou nooit vertel nie, maar my broer Sarel was by geboorte Sandra. Hoop nie dit is vir jou 'n probleem nie.
Liefde
Jou ex man
Gert

THE MISTRESS

THE MISTRESS

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porsche or X-Type Jag in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Golden oldies

Golden oldies

Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" 
The pharmacist answers "Yes". 

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" 
Pharmacist: "All kinds." 

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" 
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
  
Jacob:" Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundices?" 
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!" 

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?" 
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
  
Jacob:" You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
  
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?" 
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop."

The Female Demerit System

The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Ma ke the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3) 
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

A MAN IS ALMOST ABOUT TO DIE

A MAN IS ALMOST ABOUT TO DIE : 

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

KIDS AT THE WEDDING

KIDS AT THE WEDDING:

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

ORGANIZATION THAT MAKE FEAR MARRIAGE

ORGANIZATION THAT MAKE FEAR MARRIAGE :

The RUSSIAN  had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.

It seems that in RUSSIA , they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.

The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack

WEDDING TRADITION

WEDDING TRADITION :

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

HAPPY MARRIED

HAPPY MARRIED  :

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. --

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. 

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Well man died unmarried four years ago.

MARRIAGE JOKE

MARRIAGE JOKE :

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- 

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted

MARRIED JOKE

MARRIED  JOKE :

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere

MARRIAGE JOKE

MARRIAGE JOKE :

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring